support

First off, I've been really, deeply moved by all of the support I've received from friends and fellow writers and bloggers over these panic attacks. More than moved. Blown away. Like, I never expected so much support in a million years. My partner and mutual friends have patiently talked me down, I have friends who live hours away who've volunteered to come sit with me, others have offered to let me write if things get out of hand, and fellow bloggers have left me well-wishing comments. In a little over a week I've gone from feeling completely alone and hopeless to feeling . . . well, held. I don't know how else to say it. It's an incredibly beautiful feeling and it's a bit like discovering religion (in a good -- very good -- way).

Second, I've got to say . . . damn, writers sure are an anxious bunch! I learned that at least three of my writer friends have battled panic attacks like my own, often multiple times throughout their lives. I had no clue. They had no clue about me either. I'll remember this next time I obsess about whether or not poetry is right path for me.

Finally, I wanted to mention a couple of pieces of advice in which I found solace. Panicky poets, take note.

One kind soul wrote to me to point out that panic is "designed" to "short-circuit" calm, detached rationality. The purpose of panic is to move your body, as quickly as possible, to safety. Discursive internal dialogue would just get in the way (when fleeing from a real danger, that is). In other words, don't feel bad that you can't talk yourself down from a full-blown attack. You're not, in a very real sense, supposed to be able to.

And a good friend of mine had the following to say:

I know how debilitating panic attacks can be. It seems like there's no way out, that it's all so much stronger than you are. But here's what I came to realize -- and I believe it has helped me deal with the attacks, even as the antidepressants have helped take the edge off of them (I'm on a minimal dose now): it is a chemical imbalance and there is nothing shameful about taking medication, much like a diabetic, to keep it under control. Second, the only way out of an attack is to be enormously compassionate towards yourself and to ride it out. The more you are able to just sit and breath deeply and be with it the better. After years of therapy, I’ve learned to stop the catastrophic thinking, the little negative tapes that run as soon as the first stab of anxiety hits. It takes awhile, but you can replace those tapes with more positive ones. I know this sounds crunchy and hokey but it works. It will pass. You will be fine. That's the simple truth that our minds somehow cannot accept. Be good to yourself, listen to what you need and do it.